Ramblings of a Mezzo with Soprano tendencies

http://www.examiner.com/article/switch-rocks-for-the-ladies-tomorrow-night-at-the-abbey

My life has taken so many twists and turns, and now I think I finally understand where it is that it has been leading me. My marriage of 16 years is over. Though it is not yet final, it hopefully will be soon and I can begin again. My heart was broken so badly right before Christmas, that I didn’t think it could ever be mended. Not only has it been repaired and mended, it has been completely refurbished and cleaned out. The cobwebs are gone, the dust has been obliterated, and the entire interior and exterior have been polished and shined to its original condition. My heart is so warm again, and full of light, life, and love.

Yes, there is one man responsible. He is sweet, generous, and kind. He fills up my soul with nothing but joy and happiness. I have never been treated with such respect, given so much love, or taken care of so well. He is amazing. He holds my heart and forever will.

I am so grateful. I am so grateful to finally have found my forever. I know that this is only the beginning of wonderful things to come into my life. I know that together we will fulfill our every dream- because we support one another and respect one another. We love and adore each other. I finally have my love reciprocated and the light is shining down on me so brightly now. 

To all of you who are not yet in this wonderful place, hold on. It is coming. I was in my darkest hour when I found true love. I had hit rock bottom so many times, it’s a wonder that I was able to scrape myself back up off of the ground and continue on this journey of life any further. But I did! I held on and pushed through the pain, and the reward is far greater than I could have imagined. Keep pressing on through the rain, and when the treacherous storm is finally over, you will find your pot of gold at the end of a rainbow too. 

Lots and lots of love to you all, my friends. 

I have always tried to be a positive person. I aim for greatness, and love, and joy, and I surround myself with positive people as much as possible. But there are times in life when it’s all you can do to get out of bed in the morning and face each day. My life has taken so many unexpected turns over the years and I’m reaching and reaching for someone to grab my hand and pull me up from the wreckage, to no avail. People have always told me to not be afraid to ask for help. Well I’ve been screaming for it, and no one is there. 

I lie awake at night and search for comfort in the darkness. Just when I feel like I have found some solace, it vanishes as quickly as it came. I hold onto someone, finding myself hoping that it could finally be somebody real and true, just to watch them slip away again into the vastness of the unknown. It leaves me empty and cold and shattered like glass. I pray for numbness to cover up the pain. 

I desperately want someone to put the pieces back together, but I know that that “someone” has to be me. But how do you bring yourself back to life? How do you find that fire burning within, when you’ve been smothered for so very long. How do you re-ignite the flame of passion in your own soul? I pray for help, for peace, and comfort. Can anyone hear me? If a tree deep in the forest falls, can anyone hear it? If a lost soul deep within this shell I call my body cries out, does anyone know? Does anyone care? 

If home is where the heart is, where is mine? It is lost and empty and vacant and void. It is nowhere. It cannot be found. Or can it? Can you find it and bring it back to safety? Can you revive me from this broken state? Can you lead me to peace and harmony and bliss? Or am I just broken forever? A masterpiece destroyed by fire to forever lie in ashes. Tell me there is more for me than this.  

I realize that this is going to be the most depressing  blog I’ve ever written, and for that I’m sorry. I just have no other outlet for my sadness. It’s coming up on the first holiday since Dad passed away and it’s even more horrible than I ever knew it would be. Thanksgiving is only the beginning of a long holiday season without him. 

I’m so alone. I am living in a part of the country where I’m not happy, in the house where he passed away. Mom moved into the new house and I’m here by myself. It is nice to have my own space at times (I’ve been living with other people ever since I graduated), but it highlights the fact of how alone I truly am in this world. I would give anything to have just one person really know me, truly understand me, and love me so unconditionally that they would drop everything for me in a heartbeat if I needed them. I’m used to depending on myself, but the lonely hours of the night pass so slowly that it pains me to no end. I feel hopeless and worthless sometimes. But only because most of the time I feel so valuable. It just feels like such a damn waste, my life. I have worked so hard and for nothing. Right now I am doing nothing with my degrees. I am doing nothing that I love, and the things that bring me passion and purpose seem so far away. 

I would give anything to be back in Florida, surrounded by friends and warmth. The absence of blue skies and green grass are like the absence of air. I can’t breathe. I can’t function. I am living, but not to my potential- not even close. I miss singing just as much. I miss making music, creating it, living it. I am desperate for someone to come rescue me. I have prayed and prayed for peace and for hope and for a brand new start. Every single time there has been a smidgen of hope- a tiny chance for escape from my despair- the opportunity has fallen through.

I am tired. I am tired of waiting. I am tired of not living. I’m tired of hoping and seeing those hopes dashed time and time again. There is still a chance. There is still a small glimmer of hope, but I am so very afraid. I’m so very afraid to keep hoping. If this one falls through, I honestly don’t know how I will cope. I don’t know how I will possibly go on. 

I know that Thanksgiving is a time when I should be grateful. I know that I am lucky. If it had not been for family and friends this past year-and-a-half, I would have been out on the street, literally. I’m thankful to have a roof over my head and a place to sleep and for my jobs, even though they aren’t anything close to what I want to really be doing, or paying me what I’m truly worth. I’m thankful that I have food and clothes and shelter and family and friends. I know that I have far more than millions of people on this earth. I hope I can remember that and keep remembering that in my darkest hours. And I hope and pray for the light at the end of this very dark tunnel to come so very soon. It has to. It just has to.

God Bless us ALL this Thanksgiving. And if you are having a rough time of it like me, please hang in there. Keep holding on when all you want to do is throw in the towel. I know that is often hard to do. I know that even when you think of what you have it’s still sometimes hard not to think about what’s missing. May we all find peace, love, and genuine joy so very soon- throughout this holiday season and well into next year. 

Peace on earth and in our souls. 

maitai25:

Don’t judge me… 

(Source: kitkat-grahamcrackers)

amazingblue:

(Source: flyingupoctaves)